Five Most 'Effed-Up Things To Come Out Of Japan

As we all know, Japan produces some pretty messed-up shit.  Anyone who Googles "Japan" can't skim for five seconds without finding things like "SUPER KAWAII CATGIRL TENTACLED MECH-RAPE."  Go on, I'll give you 30 seconds to try and find some sick-f*** content that's somehow not related to Japan.

Done?  Psyche still intact?  No?  Good.  Now you're ready for the big leagues.

#5.  Shimapan

See these?  These are everywhere on anime and manga.  Literally EVERYWHERE.  From "Lucky Star" to the popular vocaloid Hatsune Mitsu, this little striped number is on everyone's asses.  They're called shimapan, or "striped panties."  Shimapan are so popular in Japan, that female otaku are buying the expensive, often custom-made and designer undies by the gross.  They've gotten so popular that they've expanded their elastic-waisted, cotton grasp acros the Pacific.  U.S. girls can now buy them online.  These seemingly harmless and innocent panties are simply flying off the shelves all across the globe. 

"Flying Panties" Google Image search resulted in this. Japan again. Suprised?

So what's the big deal?  It's just panties, right?  Some people theorize that the fetish has something to do with the way stripes accentuate the natural curves of ladies' bottoms.  Another theory is that the stripes are sign of  a promiscuous young girl.  But if you've ever watched anime, you'd know that a woman's underwear is probably the least obvious sign that she's asking for it.

Like this.

Other theories simply go back to that whole Japanese male's fascination with white cotton "granny panties."  Given Japan's history with ladies' underwear (we all know the story of used-panty vending machines) I'd say that that's a pretty safe assumption.

#4.  Gyaru Gals
Ever wonder what Snooki would look like if she was Japanese instead of a tiny, shrieking hell-beast from the bowels of the most toxic state in the union?  Ever thought, "Hey, Jersey Shore would be so much cooler if it took place in Tokyo?"  Well here's those thoughts brought into fruition:

Children, this is what you get when a scenester has LSD-fueled, unprotected intercourse with an Oompa-Loompa from the Japanse division of Wonka Candy Company.  Also, it is proof of God's hate for the world.  This thing is a gyaru gal-- more specifically, a ganguro, which I'm sure translates to "terrifying cute happy neon monster."  Believe it or not, gyaru is a whole subculture in Japan.  Girls dye their hair dangerous shades of peroxide blonde and neon, tan ferociously, and use makeup which is oddly reminiscent to American black-face. 

We'd try to call them racist but...we just don't wanna get that close to them.

So why do they do it?  Most normal folks wouldn't want to go through the sheer physical effort that it takes to look like this-- even less so when the end result makes you look like your owner shouldn't have gotten you wet or fed you after midnight.  Cultural sociologists believe this trend traces back to a spur in social rebellion amongst young Japanese girls in the early 90's.  These girls felt that they were being smothered and repressed by their elders and the strict Japanese school systems.  Where American women rebelled by burning their bras and getting multiple piercing, these girls threw on some spray tanner, clipped in the dread falls and told everyone to go suck it.  And no one argued with them.  Can you blame them?  Because honestly, we don't even want to look into their eyes...

It might eat your soul.

Even though this trend has somewhat died out over the past few years, I have a feeling that they might be on the verge of a comeback.  Recently, male ganguro, called gyaru-oh have been popping up in Japan.  Which means that soon they'll be breeding...

THE INFECTION IS SPREADING.

#3.  Animegao
Some folks out there just take their anime far too seriously.  And I'm not talking about the weeaboo kid that sits behind you in class who constantly uses the words "epic fail" and who scoffs anytime you even mention a movie that's not made in East Asia.  Though, for the record, these ladies (and men) are probably right up his alley.  Somewhere deep in the pits of sick-fuckery that take up 65% of Japan's subcultures, there are groups of people called animegao.  And they love cosplaying.  A lot.

Like this.

Animegao players, or "dollers" as they're known, dress from head-to-toe in order to look like anime characters.  Most of these elaborate costumes involve full-body skin-stockings and a giant-sized face mask which is painstakingly crafted from fiberglass or clay.  The whole process is time-consuming and usually expensive-- all for the sake of looking like all those hot anime chicks that everyone knows, loves, and pleasures themselves to.  Now some of you might be saying, "Don't be such a close-minded prude, Taylor!  Maybe some of these girls are just extremely dedicated to the super-hot-awesome art of extreme cosplaying.  Look at that picture up there, she certainly looks like she's enjoying herself.  This is probably her life's passion and there's nothing wrong about that-- not at all!"  Well just put down the lotion, Fappy, and let me explain the one hole in your defense: That. Up there. Is. A dude.

Sorry to cut your boner-chan short, but you had to be told sometime.  The majority of animegao players are male.  Don't get me wrong, these blokes manage to pull off that cutesy-shy anime girl attitude pretty well-- I commend them on both their craftsmenship and their acting talent-- but it's still just plain creepy when you think about who's really under that adorable mask.

So there you go.  I've ruined IRL anime chicks for you.  I apologize.  But hey, here's one for the road.

Just try not to think too hard about it and you'll be fine.

#2. Ulzzang
You know what everybody loves about anime? These:

 HUGE FREAKING EYES.  It's the anime trademark.  Have you ever seen an anime character with tiny eyes?  It's usually a sign that they're blind, evil, or just a plain old idiot (we're looking at you, Brock.)

"What a douche-nugget." --Everyone

The point is that anime just wouldn't be anime without those big, on-the-verge-of-tears, unnaturally-colored eyes.  Of course, it being Japan, some anime fans have taken this fictional cartoon attribute and made it into a reality.

Ulzzang is the act of putting on "your best face" by trying to make your human eyes look as inhuman as physically possible.  This involves special giant contacts, using tons of theatrical makeup to heighten the illusion, oh and glueing back your freaking eyelids.

"But hey, at least I look perpetually suprised!"

Most of the time, this process is only done in order to take pictures to submit to ulzzang contests.  Go check out this website.  Holy crap, there's even male and kid big-eye contests.  To their credit, most people only do this once in awhile, in order to win beauty contests, and therefore, money.  But some young ladies take it to the next level and do this on an everyday basis-- because apparantly looking like a Blythe Doll is the highest form of cute in Japan.

This trend is by far one of the most dangerous on this list, mainly because the circle lenses used to create the anime-eye effect dry out easily, which can cause permanent corneal damage.  Which would suck, considering that being blind really detracts from the whole cutesy big-eye schtick. Did we also mention that you have to poke yourself in the eye with a stick in order to glue your eyelids back?  Because, seriously, we can't stress that part enough.

#1.  Moe anthropomorphism
Moe anthropomorphism, or gijinka as it's commonly called, is the act of giving human qualities to non-human entities.  Now I (as most anime fans do) have a love/hate relationship with moe anthro.  On one hand, a lot of gijinka is so massively adorable that it's been known to induce rainbow-colored vomit.  But on the flip side, there's the kind of gijinka that makes you hurl the regular kind of vomit that no one likes.  No matter what type of moe you're looking for, you're always going to be digging through a mixed bag.  A mixed bag that might contain something adorable like this:

Or somethin that makes you feel as if you should scrub the sin off of your bones, like this:

So Google Image search at your own peril.  Don't say we didn't warn you.

There are moes for everything nowadays: operating systems, military weapons and vehicles, websites, cars, food, EVERYTHING.  Some of that's good and some of that's bad.  We'll let you use your own discretion.  Just remember: there are things on the Internet that cannot be un-seen.  And I, for one, will not be held responsible for it.

Mecha Musume serves the limited audience of airplane fetishists.  Train-pervs are just S.O.L.

So there you have it.  My list of most 'effed-up stuff to come from Japan.  Believe me, there's more where this came from but I just don't have the mental or psychological capacity to condense them all into one post.  So maybe there will be a Part Two when I've recovered from my mental anguish.