Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Road To Cyber-Bullying #1

So this is a little thing I started doing on Twitter that got a fair amount of recognition and LOL's amongst my follwers.  I had too much fun with it to not bring it over to my blog.  There you have it, "The Road To Cyber-Bullying."

This chronicle consists of the following:
1.) A picture or quote from someone's Facebook/Twitter/Etcetera
2.) A smart-ass comment from yours truly.
3.) Much lulz (given that I do it right.)

There you go.  Sweet.  Simple.  Exploitable.  And lulz-worthy.

Let it begin:

She's a classy fuckin' lady.

And here's another, just because:

DAT ASS

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Five Most 'Effed-Up Things To Come Out Of Japan

As we all know, Japan produces some pretty messed-up shit.  Anyone who Googles "Japan" can't skim for five seconds without finding things like "SUPER KAWAII CATGIRL TENTACLED MECH-RAPE."  Go on, I'll give you 30 seconds to try and find some sick-f*** content that's somehow not related to Japan.

Done?  Psyche still intact?  No?  Good.  Now you're ready for the big leagues.

#5.  Shimapan


See these?  These are everywhere on anime and manga.  Literally EVERYWHERE.  From "Lucky Star" to the popular vocaloid Hatsune Mitsu, this little striped number is on everyone's asses.  They're called shimapan, or "striped panties."  Shimapan are so popular in Japan, that female otaku are buying the expensive, often custom-made and designer undies by the gross.  They've gotten so popular that they've expanded their elastic-waisted, cotton grasp acros the Pacific.  U.S. girls can now buy them online.  These seemingly harmless and innocent panties are simply flying off the shelves all across the globe. 

"Flying Panties" Google Image search resulted in this. Japan again. Suprised?
So what's the big deal?  It's just panties, right?  Some people theorize that the fetish has something to do with the way stripes accentuate the natural curves of ladies' bottoms.  Another theory is that the stripes are sign of  a promiscuous young girl.  But if you've ever watched anime, you'd know that a woman's underwear is probably the least obvious sign that she's asking for it.

Like this.
Other theories simply go back to that whole Japanese male's fascination with white cotton "granny panties."  Given Japan's history with ladies' underwear (we all know the story of used-panty vending machines) I'd say that that's a pretty safe assumption.

#4.  Gyaru Gals
Ever wonder what Snooki would look like if she was Japanese instead of a tiny, shrieking hell-beast from the bowels of the most toxic state in the union?  Ever thought, "Hey, Jersey Shore would be so much cooler if it took place in Tokyo?"  Well here's those thoughts brought into fruition:

Children, this is what you get when a scenester has LSD-fueled, unprotected intercourse with an Oompa-Loompa from the Japanse division of Wonka Candy Company.  Also, it is proof of God's hate for the world.  This thing is a gyaru gal-- more specifically, a ganguro, which I'm sure translates to "terrifying cute happy neon monster."  Believe it or not, gyaru is a whole subculture in Japan.  Girls dye their hair dangerous shades of peroxide blonde and neon, tan ferociously, and use makeup which is oddly reminiscent to American black-face. 

We'd try to call them racist but...we just don't wanna get that close to them.

So why do they do it?  Most normal folks wouldn't want to go through the sheer physical effort that it takes to look like this-- even less so when the end result makes you look like your owner shouldn't have gotten you wet or fed you after midnight.  Cultural sociologists believe this trend traces back to a spur in social rebellion amongst young Japanese girls in the early 90's.  These girls felt that they were being smothered and repressed by their elders and the strict Japanese school systems.  Where American women rebelled by burning their bras and getting multiple piercing, these girls threw on some spray tanner, clipped in the dread falls and told everyone to go suck it.  And no one argued with them.  Can you blame them?  Because honestly, we don't even want to look into their eyes...

It might eat your soul.
Even though this trend has somewhat died out over the past few years, I have a feeling that they might be on the verge of a comeback.  Recently, male ganguro, called gyaru-oh have been popping up in Japan.  Which means that soon they'll be breeding...


THE INFECTION IS SPREADING.

#3.  Animegao
Some folks out there just take their anime far too seriously.  And I'm not talking about the weeaboo kid that sits behind you in class who constantly uses the words "epic fail" and who scoffs anytime you even mention a movie that's not made in East Asia.  Though, for the record, these ladies (and men) are probably right up his alley.  Somewhere deep in the pits of sick-fuckery that take up 65% of Japan's subcultures, there are groups of people called animegao.  And they love cosplaying.  A lot.

Like this.
Animegao players, or "dollers" as they're known, dress from head-to-toe in order to look like anime characters.  Most of these elaborate costumes involve full-body skin-stockings and a giant-sized face mask which is painstakingly crafted from fiberglass or clay.  The whole process is time-consuming and usually expensive-- all for the sake of looking like all those hot anime chicks that everyone knows, loves, and pleasures themselves to.  Now some of you might be saying, "Don't be such a close-minded prude, Taylor!  Maybe some of these girls are just extremely dedicated to the super-hot-awesome art of extreme cosplaying.  Look at that picture up there, she certainly looks like she's enjoying herself.  This is probably her life's passion and there's nothing wrong about that-- not at all!"  Well just put down the lotion, Fappy, and let me explain the one hole in your defense: That. Up there. Is. A dude.


Sorry to cut your boner-chan short, but you had to be told sometime.  The majority of animegao players are male.  Don't get me wrong, these blokes manage to pull off that cutesy-shy anime girl attitude pretty well-- I commend them on both their craftsmenship and their acting talent-- but it's still just plain creepy when you think about who's really under that adorable mask.

So there you go.  I've ruined IRL anime chicks for you.  I apologize.  But hey, here's one for the road.


Just try not to think too hard about it and you'll be fine.

#2. Ulzzang
You know what everybody loves about anime? These:

 HUGE FREAKING EYES.  It's the anime trademark.  Have you ever seen an anime character with tiny eyes?  It's usually a sign that they're blind, evil, or just a plain old idiot (we're looking at you, Brock.)

"What a douche-nugget." --Everyone
The point is that anime just wouldn't be anime without those big, on-the-verge-of-tears, unnaturally-colored eyes.  Of course, it being Japan, some anime fans have taken this fictional cartoon attribute and made it into a reality.

Ulzzang is the act of putting on "your best face" by trying to make your human eyes look as inhuman as physically possible.  This involves special giant contacts, using tons of theatrical makeup to heighten the illusion, oh and glueing back your freaking eyelids.

"But hey, at least I look perpetually suprised!"
Most of the time, this process is only done in order to take pictures to submit to ulzzang contests.  Go check out this website.  Holy crap, there's even male and kid big-eye contests.  To their credit, most people only do this once in awhile, in order to win beauty contests, and therefore, money.  But some young ladies take it to the next level and do this on an everyday basis-- because apparantly looking like a Blythe Doll is the highest form of cute in Japan.


This trend is by far one of the most dangerous on this list, mainly because the circle lenses used to create the anime-eye effect dry out easily, which can cause permanent corneal damage.  Which would suck, considering that being blind really detracts from the whole cutesy big-eye schtick. Did we also mention that you have to poke yourself in the eye with a stick in order to glue your eyelids back?  Because, seriously, we can't stress that part enough.

#1.  Moe anthropomorphism
Moe anthropomorphism, or gijinka as it's commonly called, is the act of giving human qualities to non-human entities.  Now I (as most anime fans do) have a love/hate relationship with moe anthro.  On one hand, a lot of gijinka is so massively adorable that it's been known to induce rainbow-colored vomit.  But on the flip side, there's the kind of gijinka that makes you hurl the regular kind of vomit that no one likes.  No matter what type of moe you're looking for, you're always going to be digging through a mixed bag.  A mixed bag that might contain something adorable like this:


Or somethin that makes you feel as if you should scrub the sin off of your bones, like this:


So Google Image search at your own peril.  Don't say we didn't warn you.

There are moes for everything nowadays: operating systems, military weapons and vehicles, websites, cars, food, EVERYTHING.  Some of that's good and some of that's bad.  We'll let you use your own discretion.  Just remember: there are things on the Internet that cannot be un-seen.  And I, for one, will not be held responsible for it.

Mecha Musume serves the limited audience of airplane fetishists.  Train-pervs are just S.O.L.

So there you have it.  My list of most 'effed-up stuff to come from Japan.  Believe me, there's more where this came from but I just don't have the mental or psychological capacity to condense them all into one post.  So maybe there will be a Part Two when I've recovered from my mental anguish.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

An Open Letter To Hipsters Everywhere

Oh, Hipster...look at yourself.  Don't you just look so ironic with your grubby little mustache, holey vintage t-shirt, and teeny-weeny skinny pants?  Hipster, you hang out in the liberal arts building's halls and breezeways, smoking your American Spirits and wallowing in your irony.  Sometimes, Hipster, you like to sit out on your stoop at all hours of the morning with your hep-cat friends and discuss the irony of things like Pabst Blue Ribbon and plastic-rimmed eyeglasses.

 
Man, those glasses are just so...vintage.
Hipster, it's not that I don't like you.  In fact, I've learned to ignore your very existence.  After all, there are so many of you Hipsters now that you and your people have just began to...blend into the background.  Isn't that ironic?  Hipster, we've managed to live in somewhat disconnected harmony for quite awhile now--we leave your tribe of greasy-haired, organic, leather-jacketed, smug, Helvetica-aficionados alone and you leave us "norms" alone.  It's a shaky pact, but a pact that has been held strong for many, many moons.

 We split up the territory between us.  You guys get the record shop, the obscure coffee joints, Goodwill, and that one bar in town that sells Pabst on tap.  We have to share the liberal arts building and the performing arts center, and that's okay.  We tolerate each other.  It's very well understood: we treat each other with cold nonchalance, exchange the occasional awkward eye contact, and we NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES discuss music, movies, or fashion with one another.

"This Crystal Castles LP is more cerebral than their last. What? Oh yeah, wax is so totally better than vinyl."


This truce works Hipster.  It's been time-tested and board-approved.  So let's keep up the good work Hipsters, what do you say?  We don't want any trouble, now do we?  There's no reason for any of us to make any waves, right?

Or should we say, "Wavves?"






Tuesday, February 1, 2011

So Here We Are Again...

I did this whole blog thing about two years back.  Eventually I ran out of things to say, got busy being a serious college student, and stopped blogging.  Well I'm baaaaaaaack...

The reasons for my long-awaited-by-no-one return are varying.  I feel the niggling itch of boredom scratching at my brain, so this is a good time-filler.  I haven't written anything other than term papers and critical essays in quite awhile, so this is good practice to see if I've still got "it." (I don't. But we all have to sacrifice something for A's and a professional degree.) Also, more often than not, I have several good rants (which can be turned into pretty fair editorials) that just don't fit onto Twitter, which don't belong on Facebook. So I'm considering this my outlet.  No one on the Internet will be reading it, so I can pretty much say whatever I want, right? Right?

Now...on to the fun part...


A few things you'll find in the coming posts:
The occasional rant.  It's a blog people, you've gotta expect at least a few of 'em when you come to these places.
Reviews (usually satirical) on:  Films, animes, books, video games, etc.
Lots o' lists!  On my last blog, I did a lot of Cracked-esque lists that seemed to be pretty popular.  So, if I've still got the knack for them, I'll post one every once in awhile.
Reposts, though few and far between. This isn't Tumblr, and I realize that.  But occasionally I will link something that I find cool or interesting.
A little series I call, "The Road To Cyber-Bullying."  You'll know it when you see it.  It's a little something I started doing on Twitter that's just too fun to not bring here.
Random crap. That's gonna take up about 75% of this mother.  So there you go.

A few things you WILL NOT find on this blog:
Fanfiction, poetry, short stories, or other things of that nature.  Because I don't write it.  Because 90% of everyone's personal writing is total crap.  The Internet realizes that?  Why don't you?
BAWWWWWW's.  I realize that no one on the Internet cares about my personal problems.  I don't care about any of theirs.  This mutual disconnection with each other is what makes the web go 'round.
Blow-By-Blow accounts of my day.  Again. No one cares and that's o-kay!
Wish-Lists.  You'll find none of this, "I can has moneez pl0x?" crap here.  I work for a living, as should most people who are sprightly and youthful enough to run a blog.

So there you go, guys.  I know I'm talking to an empty room here, but maybe I'll garnish some readers sooner or later.  If not, that's cool.  Again, this is something to fill my boredom in between school, work, studying, gaming, and trying to balance a pretty normal life...wait...why do I even need this thing again?